Blast From the Past: The 2003 Attack on Students First

***Editors Note: This piece is to be taken with a grain of salt. This piece is heavily dramatized and only those who participated in the AS elections in 2003 know exactly what happened that fateful year. We believed that this account should be told to help fill in one portion of the history of the UCSD Associated Students.

***

Submitted by an anonymous contributor

After a devastating loss in 2002 to the ultra-liberal Students First! Slate, a team of gifted students at UCSD banded together to make sure that in 2003 Students First! would face the challenge of the decade. The tale which I am about to tell, has never appeared in printed form before. In fact it has only been told in bits and pieces much like the ancient storytellers passed along the tales of the Bible. What you are about to read is meant to inspire, and to help others in their fight against modern day communists. Every bit of this story is true. Enjoy.

The whole idea came together at a student organization meeting in the Winter Quarter of 2003. A student presented the idea of screwing over the Students First! Slate by forming a student club with the exact same name. The idea went that we would form this club, and then during the election season file numerous complaints alleging fraudulent use of our club’s name. The idea was both brilliant and simple, and could be used with great ease to make things extremely difficult for the communist slate, “Students First!”. In order to become an official student organization, four students had to be named as founders for the school to recognize the club. Two of us then went on to become Chairmen of the “Students First!” club. With all the powers that dictators dream of, I led the “Students First!” club into the vast annals of UCSD history.

In order for this simple scheme to work, we had to keep this a secret. If the communists found out about our club, they would surely change the name of their slate, thus ruining our “devious” plan. For weeks we kept the idea top secret even denying the existence of the “Students First!” club even to our closest friends. We soon began thinking about other ways that we could use the club name to the full detriment of our opponents. We realized that we could partake in the biggest anti-campaign the world had ever seen. We could print handouts that looked exactly like the ones the opposition slate would use, and we figured that they would use much of the same designs that they had used in the previous election. After all, because they had won, why would they deviate from a winning plan? And in fact they didn’t.

We also realized that we could tear down any of their signs, by simply stating school policy saying only the organization that posts signs/banners can take them down. Well, as soon as we had registered the name “Students First!” as our club name, anyone who posted as us would be violating our right to post our material. Therefore “unofficial”(those posted by the “Students First!” slate) posters/signs/banners, could be taken down by us, because we never authorized them. Chaos would soon envelope the UCSD campus.

When 3M was developing new super glue, they found glue that was sticky, but didn’t have the required strength for any sort of industrial use. However, this non-super glue was used to invent “Post-It Notes” and is one of 3M’s largest money makers. Something like this bolt of genius happened with the founders stumbled onto an idea that would always change the face of history. The idea was to go to the DMV, and for whatever the cost temporarily change one of our names to the name of the Presidential candidate for the “Students First!” slate. This idea was more or less dismissed because none of us wanted to be Kevin Shawn Hsu for a year. I remember jokingly saying, “You know, all we need to do is find another Kevin Hsu…”

While walking home through the dorms later that night, we discovered that at UCSD there was more than one Kevin Hsu. It turns out that “Hsu” is the Korean equivalent to the English “Smith”. After searching through school records, we discovered that there were four additional Kevin Hsu’s on campus. The only problem now was to figure out a way to convince at least one to run for President of UCSD. Our theory was that because UCSD was a super studious school, we therefore would have to appeal to their scholastic tendency.

I wrote an open letter to the four Kevins’, stating that I was a sociology graduate student looking for participants in a scientific experiment. The alleged experiment was to try to decide whether or not people vote on name recognition or on the issues. This was of course complete and TOTAL BS. Of the four, we got two interested responses. Of these two, only one decided to stick with it.

Another great thing about the guy who agreed to run was that he had no middle name. He was just “Kevin Hsu”, as opposed to the communist “Kevin Shawn Hsu” (although “communist is a very strong term, it is a deserved one, and is an appellation held with pride by many members of Students First! slates, past and present). Even more wonderful, the communist had always gone by “Kevin Hsu”. To the vast majority of people that knew him, he was “Kevin Hsu” not “Kevin Shawn Hsu”. In addition, since our Kevin had no middle name, he would be listed before the communist “Kevin Shawn Hsu”.

Our “club” then gathered enough signatures to place “Kevin Hsu” on the ballot for ASUCSD President. On filing day, you would have thought that someone had taken a bath in the “Students First!” slate’s holy water. Panic had set in, as they realized that there was another Kevin Hsu running against their beloved communist. At the mandatory candidate information session, everybody wanted to get a look at the other Kevin Hsu. We realized that in order for this to work, we needed to keep our Kevin as secret as possible.

I filled in for Kevin at that information meeting as Kevin Hsu’s alternate. At this meeting the order was drawn for the placement of names on the ballot. Wouldn’t you know it, “H” was the first letter picked. Our Kevin Hsu was going to be the first name on the ballot. God hates Communists. Necks were almost broken as people turned their heads at a tremendous speed to see what a****** was behind this. That night, myself and others made absolutely no friends. In fact, later on that week, I received a phone call death threat while at home. I was cleaning my gun at the time, and told my “would be killer” to come on over and that “the door was open”.

Candidates then had to file their candidate statements. At the top of ours we wrote “Vote for the REAL Kevin Hsu!!!”. We then proceeded to copy the communist Kevin Shawn Hsu’s student government resume, and front of this resume we wrote “In Students First! I have held the following positions:” and then we proceeded to place all positions in quotation marks like this, “ASUCSD Vice-Chair Internal,” etc.

The “Students First!” slate (the communists) realized that they needed to kick our Kevin Hsu off the ballot. On the first day of the election cycle, six separate and different grievances were filed against our Kevin. The night before, our club met and we nominated our Kevin to every position. Each nomination started out with “I hereby nominate Kevin Hsu, because god damn it, he’s the best man for the job.” All of this was taped, and very shoddy minutes were kept. Then all positions were made retroactive, so that Kevin Hsu held these positions even before the club had ever existed. When I was later asked by a reporter for the student newspaper, “How does this happen? I mean how does a student have a job after the fact, and how does he have some of these jobs when he wasn’t even a student at this school?” As Kevin Hsu’s press secretary and campaign manger, I responded “Well, hindsight being 20/20, we realized that we really needed that position back then. Thank god, the real Kevin Hsu had the balls to stand up and take responsibility of such an enormous job. The students of UCSD need a man like Kevin Hsu to stand up and tackle the most difficult jobs even retroactively.”

For the sake of time, the elections committee condensed all six grievances into one trial. The communists came out with guns blazing. Our counsel took to the floor, mocking the other side, calling them anti-democratic goons. Our counsel likened them to the Taliban, and said their tactics reminded him of Al-Qaeda. Evidence was presented that bolstered our case. Minutes from our meeting proved that in fact, our Kevin Hsu had indeed been elected to “ASUCSD Vice-Chair Internal, 2002-2003”. A drawing made on construction paper had a stick figure, a smiley face sun, and above that had “ASUCSD President” with an arrow pointing to the stick figure. It also had in the corner “Kevin Hsu, Age: 3”. When I was asked “Do you take yourself seriously?” I said “No, but I take my candidate seriously.” I was also asked “How can your Kevin Hsu have the exact same positions as Kevin Shawn Hsu?” I responded “Well, can you read? Because if you could read, the statement reads ‘In Students First! I have held these positions:’ It doesn’t say that in ASUCSD I have held these positions. We’d like the elections committee to look into the fact that your candidate has copied our candidates resume”. The charges against our Kevin Hsu were dropped.

With their legal attack destroyed, the communist “Students First!” slate mounted an aggressive banner campaign with banners that read “Vote for Kevin SHAWN Hsu, He’s Second on the ballot!”. To this we responded with handouts that read “Students First!: Your Voice, Your Vote, Our Resumes”, “Students First! White people are evil and racist”, “Students First! Kevin wants to go to law school. He needs this BAD”, and finally “Students First! The Greeks mean NOTHING”. This infuriated the communists into a rare fervor.

During the Presidential debate, I decided to grab front row seats in order to heckle the communist Kevin Shawn Hsu. Our first plan was to enter myself as official spokesperson for the debate but that was nixed rather quickly. So we sat down with a couple tall glasses of beer, and got ready for our oral assault. What was great was that the sound system was crappy at best so nobody could really hear what the candidates had to say. So when the communist Kevin Shawn Hsu began to speak, we launched our attack. “COMMUNIST!!!”, “YOU’RE A GOD DAMN LIAR!!!”, “BULLSH*T!!!”, and “STOP LYING COMMUNIST!!!” were just some of the many different phrases we yelled. Since the sound system was total rubbish, no one heard what Kevin Shawn Hsu had to say.

Instead they heard every last thing we had to say. People came up to us and told us that we were real a******s. Others actually joined in with us, and so by the end we had about ten people heckling the communist Kevin Shawn Hsu. He was definitely rattled, as no one had ever done that before at an UCSD Presidential debate before. No one knew what to do with us. So they just let us heckle away. We lost our voices in the process, but it was well worth it.

With their legal attack in shambles, it was time to let our legal attack loose. This was done with much glee. We attacked on the principle that the communist slate had started campaigning before the allotted time frame set forth by the elections committee. The next day the ruling came in, “Students First!” the communist slate had to take down their campaign signs down two days before the election. A minor victory, but it proved to be the spark that was to engulf the Students First! communist slate.

We decided to watch Students First! Slate take down their signs. It was a blast pointing out which signs they had “missed” to them. They hated us very much at that point. It was hard to believe that they could hate us anymore than that, but I would soon be proved wrong. We found it odd that they were taking extreme care of the signs as they took them down. I mean if they were never to be used again, wouldn’t you just wad them up, and throw them away?

The next day was Election Day and we were greeted with all of their signs posted back up on all the walls. Written on the tops and bottoms of them were one of two phrases, either “APSA endorses:” or “Endorsed by APSA”. APSA (Asian-Pacific Islander Student Association) was the communist Kevin Shawn Hsu’s student organization. We knew that we had to nail them, but how? Finally we came up with the following notion. The signs that read “APSA endorses” is an active statement made by APSA, therefore it technically could be argued that it was APSA’s sign. However, the signs that read “Endorsed by APSA” is a passive statement that wouldn’t be used by the actual organization, but instead by an organization or campaign that got APSA’s endorsement. Therefore those weren’t signs owned by APSA, they were signs owned by the communist Students First! slate.

This was our final grievance, and it was the grand daddy of them all. If we were successful with this grievance, we might be able to get rid of at the very least some of the candidates on the Students First! slate, and at most get the entire slate kicked out of the election. We argued that under the bylaws agreed to by every candidate, “the action of one is the action of all” and that therefore everyone had to go. We had video footage of Students First! slate members delicately taking signs down, and then putting them back up within an hour. The trial adjourned and we were told that the decision would be announced after the votes were tallied.

After three hours of tense waiting, the election committee came to the gathering area to announce the results. We watched with nerves that were only calmed by the soothing effects of alcohol. “Que sera, sera” I told myself. The chairman of the elections committee began to address the audience. “This is election has been a hard fought battle, and has been one of the most closely watched races in our schools history. It has also been one with numerous legal challenges. Of these challengers the most serious of these was brought before our committee only hours ago. For the past three hours deliberations have taken place, not as to the guilt, but as to the punishment. The decisions we made were in no way easy, and were never taken lightly. There is no pleasure in announcing the decision of the election committee. It is hereby declared that the election committee found the Students First! in breach of the bylaws set forth, and agreed to by all candidates. Under the bylaw, that the action of one be considered the action of all, we hereby disqualify the entire Students First! slate…” Our months of hard work had paid off, we had defeated the communist slate on campus in a decisive fashion. One small step for mankind, one giant leap for UCSD.

Redacted for their own protection.

Advertisements
%d bloggers like this: